I Should Have Killed You! By Debbie Lacy

It was a very hot and tedious day as Penny worked slaving in the heat washing her brothers and sisters clothes in the old scrub tub. How she wished her mother could afford a washer machine like her friends parents had but they were deprived of having such modern conveniences for they were very poor. They lived on the south side of Abbeville Alabama in a small 4-room house. They only good thing about where they lived, they had a big front yard to play in.

Her dad left them when he lost his job as custodian at Auburn University because of his stroke that affected his left arm and leg, which has hindered him in performing his job requirements. He tried many times to find work but was unsuccessful. Her mother Lisa was limited in her education and had no skills; so all she could do was wash and clean houses for white folks when she made very little money to support a family of 9 children. Her mother always said that her children were going to work hard and attend college to get a good education and she swore she would see to that becoming a reality.

Penny would lay in bed at night listening to the horrible fights her mom and dad would have frightening her younger brothers and sisters. They would cry at the sounds of things breaking and of the beatings he would give her mother. She hated the way he would slap, kick and throw things at her leaving her badly bruised while taking his frustrations out on her. She hated him for treating her that way and wondered why her mother took such cruelty from him all those years.

Penny was 13 years old when her dad left them and she remembered that day very well. He waited until her mom left for work and he took the old suitcase from the closet. It was the only big suitcase they had and she was inquisitive as to what he was going to do.

“What you doing daddy? What’s wrong?”

“What does it look like? I’m packing!” He retorted.

“But why? Where are you going?”

“I have to leave you all for a while. I can’t continue to live like this. I have to find some sort of work. Quite aggravated in his response.

Penny just stood at the door watching him throw his belongings into the big suitcase and when he finished packing, he opened a small drawer where there was a bundle of money. She watched as he counted it then he laid a $50 dollar bill on top of the old dresser.

“Tell your mother I left this for her okay?”

“Okay! She responded.

“Y’all take of yourselves now you here?” He suggested as he passed her heading out the door.

Walking out in the yard where her sisters and brothers were playing, they all stopped to ask him where you going daddy but he never said a word to any of them. We all watched as he got into an awaiting cab parked out on the street and drove away never looking back.

Penny had mixed emotions that day for she was sad he left yet glad for her mother’s sake. She only wondered how she was going to feel now that he’s gone.

Penny went on with the many chores that were undone and wanted to finish everything before her mother arrived home later. She had her sister Andrea who was 12 years of age and her brother Marlin age 10 to focus on finishing their chores and not to dwell on their daddy leaving them besides, what’s done is done and there wasn’t anything they could do about it.

Penny had the most vigor in the family at her young age because she’s witnessed the many hardships of her parents and she swore that in her life things would be different.

Penny had to learn at the age of 10 how to cook and prepare meals for the family. Andrea was also learning, as she would help her older sister in the kitchen many times. As Penny washed the mustard greens to add to the boiling ham hocks in the pot, Andrea changed little Amanda the 2 year olds diaper. The boys Marlin and Kalope handled sweeping and taking out the trash until all the chores were completed.

Later, when Lisa their mother arrived home, she was so pleased and proud of her children.

“Hi Mama! They said running over to her giving her hugs.

“Oh look at how neat and clean everything is! You all did such a wonderful job! She said complimenting them.

Penny thought it was so sad that she had to work and clean other folk’s houses instead of her own. She waited until after dinner when the kids were all fed before she told her mother about her father leaving them and often she believed her mother rather not know besides he’d come home late anyway and jump on her for no reason.

After her brothers and sisters were all asleep, she watched her mother sit in her favorite chair in the living room. She looked so tired and worn out then she noticed that she was holding an envelope preferably some mail of some kind. She even thought that maybe her dad left a letter explaining why he left them. Just the same, she felt it was the perfect time to tell her.

“Mama, daddy is gone.” Penny stated.

As she waited on her mother’s response, little did she know her mother already knew? She opened up the envelope to read the letter inside and while she watched she saw this unusual smirk on her mother’s face.

“Mama, what’s wrong? Penny asked as her mother began to laugh out loud.

Penny wondered whatever it was in that letter made her so happy she wished she’d get more of them. Penny knelled by her side then asked, “What’s so funny Mama?”

“That S.O.B! She fumed as her laughter suddenly turned to anger.

Penny waited for her to break the news as to what was wrong.

“This is a letter from the Social Security office and it appears that your daddy was awarded $27,000 in back payments.” She declared.

“$27,000! So that’s why he left in such a hurry! Mama, we could have done a lot with that kind of money.” Penny remarked.

As she watched her mother, she could imagine what was going through her mind. Out of the 13 years of marriage, all the effort in trying to make a home for them, out of all the love and support she gave him, providing him with all these babies and not to mention all the abuse she took from him due to his financial depression, his self-pity and mental anguish towards her. He leaves them nothing.

Immediately, Penny rushed into her bedroom and reached on top of the old dresser for the mere $50 dollars he left bringing it and handed it to her.

“This is all he left us mama!”

~

Years past as they never heard a word from their dad. It was as if he’d vanished from the earth.

As the kids grew older they all took turns taking care of their mother for she had a mental breakdown. It seemed she was not only beaten down by poverty or by the many beating she took from their dad but for the love she tried to give her family and keeping it all together in spite of it all. Lisa was once a very hard working, strong spirited woman but her strength went away and her heart was broken into many little pieces of despair until she completely gave up on life and went into a deep depression.

~

Penny successfully finished college as summa cum laude from Auburn in Arts and Sciences then became a Social Worker. Being raised in poverty made her want to help people in their well-being. She felt no one should go without when there are many programs out there to help people who don’t know they exist. Unlike when she was growing up her mother didn’t know anything other than the assistance of food stamps and the “WIC” program. The job was very demanding and she worked hard at it help many mothers, women and children as she could and because of her outstanding efforts and contributions, she was promoted to a Senior Area Social Counselor. It was a great opportunity; great money and she enjoyed her job.

~

One day after work she was on her way to the rehabilitation facility where they had to place their mother. They all had such busy schedules between work and college they moved her from home to a skilled facility where she would be well taken care of. That’s when she received a call on her cell that her mother wasn’t expected to make it through the night so she hurried there.

When she arrived, Andrea, Marlin, and Kristi were already there sitting in the waiting area. There were sad in despair with worried looks on their faces. As she walked into the room she saw a nurse checking her mother’s vitals.

“How is she?” Penny asked.

“She’s a little sable right now but she’s very weak. The doctor ordered a higher dose of protein and I just added it in her IV to help her a little. You can say hello to her to see if she will open her eyes. She didn’t for me a minute ago.” The nurse stated.

Penny walked over to the bed and called out softly, “Mama!”

“It’s me mama, Penny!”

Then she slightly turned her head to look at her.

Penny grabbed her hand then asked, “How you doing sweetie? I had to come to see how you were doing today.”

She slowly watched as her mother tried to speak,

“So you are doing well huh?”

Lisa tried to form her mouth to say something but the words never came out.

“You know you have to get better so we can take you home!” Penny added.

Lisa slightly nodded.

“Yeah because we miss you mama and we want you home!”

“I got some good news; I got a promotion recently as an Area Social Counselor. I get the chance to help people in other cities outside of Abbeville. I’m so excited about it. That’s why I haven’t been to see you in a few days.”

Lisa gave her a slight smile while giving her a tight squeeze then her eyes closed and her head fell to the side. It was very devastating to hear that high beep tone as the nurses rushed in to try to revive her.

“Oh mama no! No! Mama don’t leave me!” Penny yelled out as Marlin and her sisters escorted her out of the room.

~

They interred their mother the following Sunday. Kalope, Jessie, Amos, Jackie and Amanda were all home from college as they celebrated their mother’s home going. They all reminisced over the hard times they had growing up in that 4 bedroom house while packing away their mother’s belongings. Jackie found an old picture of their dad in their mother’s bible.

“Hey look what I found y’all! Daddy’s old picture in mama’s bible.”

“Just throw it away!” Jessie ordered.

“I got a good idea, let’s burn it!” Amanda demanded.

“I wonder where he is now.” Kalope questioned.

“Probably in hell for all I care.” Andrea remarked.

“Let me take a look at that bastard!” Amos bossed.

“Don’t say that about him Amos! He was our dad for Christ sakes!” Jackie protested.

“Dad! Well I got news for you little Miss Jackie; real dads don’t abandon their families! He should have stood up and been a man and took care of his responsibilities.”

“Yeah Jackie, real men don’t beat up on their wives either.” Kristi added.

“That’s right Jackie, beating up on women doesn’t make you a man, and besides men that beat up on women are punks!” Amanda stressed.

“He was just confused and frustrated that’s all! He lost his job because of his stroke condition and couldn’t find work. That’s enough to get any man down.” Jackie commented.

“How do you know what happened Jackie? You were just a toddler back then.” Marlin admitted.

“Mama told me all about it and she said daddy was a good man before it all happened.” Jackie dictated.

“Yeah, well he left mama broke! Leaving her to take care of 9 kids all by herself and it was very hard for her. She really struggled to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table but with God’s help she managed.” Andrea confessed.

“Now y’all stop fusing over what is already done and I understand how you all feel. Each of you is entitled to your own feelings about daddy but I remember the day he left. He waited until mama left for work. I watched him pack all of his things. He had a bundle of money that he kept hidden from mama. I remember how she was out there slaving working her but off in them white folks kitchens then cleaning their houses and taking care of their babies when she had babies of her own to take care of. I was 13 years old y’all and I had to take care of us! Penny’s voice trembled.

Then Andrea and Marlin became old enough to help out. It was tough on us! Don’t get me wrong, I love all of y’all but my life as a kid was cut short. I couldn’t hangout with my friends because I was too busy taking care of things my mother should have been doing. And when that man, my father counted out $50 from that large bundle of his and left it then passed me going out the door without giving any of us hugs or even saying goodbye really made me angry with him. He never showed us any form of affection. It was like he hated us! Anyway, later mama told me that he had been awarded $27,000 dollars of retroactive disability payments he received from Social Security and all he left us was a measly $50. At that moment y’all I hated him! I hated him for all the horrible things he did to mama and to us as a family.”

She reached for the picture as Jackie passed it to her and with a look of malice in her eyes as she uttered, “I should have killed you!”

Please ladies you don’t have to be a Victim of Spousal Abuse! Get some knowledge. Call this hotline 314-531-2003 for more information.